As I disappear into an idea
Letter n°17, November 25th
The night comes early
no twilight
my world goes from red to complete darkness.
The fog came and never left, lingering in between my two eyes.
I’m not sure of the day or of where I put my shoes; I most often find them outside, soaking wet. Yesterday I forgot my phone on the roof of the car and drove away - it is miraculously still working. Time is escaping through my fingers and I can’t seem to catch it.
This is a pattern I have seen before; when the seed of an idea grow roots and all the rest disappears. The “hyper focus phase of chaos” as everything is a mess until it starts to make sense.
What do you do with all your ideas?
mine are taking up all the space
and somehow I have to make them exist
otherwise they scratch the inside of my brain with their dirty fingernails
until they are heard.
They took me by the hand and sat me back at my desk, the one that I have been avoiding for months; out of all kinds of fears and wrong reasons surely.
I closed my eyes and sank in it.
Fingers laying on the keys. I remembered how crazy it is that a few notes can hold you for as long as you play them and the feeling of building feelings from scratch. I went through the mess of last year’s ideas and found some good ones. My old self would be so proud to see me now, holding her like a better friend, saying fuck fears with more honesty.
A poem:
I have been watching the world, as everyone has been these last few weeks, eyes full of tears and fright. I wonder about our humanity and find it dreadful. I can only find questions and more doubts out there so I dig deeper and find nothing but anger and quite a lot of sadness. It becomes hard to have hope now. Humans make it harder to hope but I find it beautiful that we have, still.
A selection of beautiful things that I noticed this month:
7.20am: woke up before the sunrise, walked home through the woods and the clouds were all kinds of shades of pink
9am: I ate all the gingerbread
10.30am: found the perfect notebook for some new things to write
12pm: opened the laptop and recorded something, it didn't happen since I froze and decided I wasn’t made for it
3.30pm: sat on the beach for a few minutes, barefoot in the warm sand, soaking in the sun
4.30pm: a huge flock of birds passed over our heads and it was a sound I never heard before.
6pm: The world was red between sunset and darkness and it made me feel grounded
5.30pm: The shop where I buy my fruits and vegetable introduced me to all their new baby chickens
11pm: I am proud of myself to be able to create things from nothing because I have an idea
00:30am: stayed up late to talk about everything
A book I (almost finished to) read:
“Days I feel like a human being, while other days I feel more like a sound. I touch the world, not as myself but as an echo of who I was”
Ocean Vuong - On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous
I felt in ♥ with:
The photographs of Rafaelle Lorgeril
This song:
A neo-classical playlist for your cosy winter nights🌛:
An update on the greenhouse:
As you may know, I have shared it on my instagram and here last time, I am trying to repair an old abandoned greenhouse in my grandma’s garden. It was built by my grandfather and abandoned for about 15 or 20 years. I have finished the destruction phase and painted the shelves with lovely colours as well as bought my first ever watering can ( a very important step). The only thing left to fix now are the glass windows as some have been broken and fill the space with good soil as I took a lot of it out because there was a lot of plastic in it.
I made a plan for the future of what I want to grow in it. There are a lot of aromatic plants and flowers as I would like to learn how to make my own herbal tea eventually. It is also good to mix vegetables and flowers because it attracts all kinds of insects and make the bad ones go away
I have no idea what I am doing, but learning as I do, as in life and everything else I guess. This project is teaching me patience to another level, as things take time to grow and flourish and there is no final state; it all ends and start again eventually.
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As a last paragraph, I wanted to thank all of you who have been purchasing my little home-made books. Every time I received a notification my heart exploded. Thank you for supporting my journey and being part of it at the same time.
Now,
I will disappear into an idea and write to you when I have things to say (not before).
You have all my love,
Geiste
🜃
